cold takes

untimely baseball shortform

Category: Humor

The Nightmares of Baseball Players

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Earlier this week, or perhaps last week, or perhaps two days after my daughter was born in 2013, Sam Miller and Ben Lindbergh of the Effectively Wild podcast considered whether baseball players have bad dreams. They quickly surmised, probably correctly, that the modern athlete rarely has nightmares, with their confidence already polished into a perfect, unquestioning state.

But I’m not interested in what is; my realm is what should be. And so I present to you: the nightmares of several ballplayers.

Eric Davis: A long fly ball is hit to deep center, and Davis gets a good jump. It gets caught up into the wind, however, and he has plenty of time to settle under it at the warning track. He looks up and notices how blue the sky really is, and for a moment he worries that he’s lost it. But he hasn’t, and the ball floats down easily for him. Right before the catch, however, the wall topples on him from behind, crushing him.

Angel Hernandez: Hernandez strips out of his gear and slips out of the stadium. On the sidewalk a father is talking to his son. “Boy, that umpire sure was terrible, huh?” the father asks. “I didn’t even really notice him,” the son answers.

Michael Pineda: After a one-two-three top of the first, Pineda comes back out for the second only to find a smear of pine tar on his arm that he doesn’t remember putting on. He worries that people might notice, but he pitches anyway. After getting up 0-2, he looks down again to see his entire arm coated in brown. Someone must surely notice, he thinks, beginning to panic. He can’t walk off the mound, he can’t leave, but even though everyone is acting normally, he knows they’ll all attack him as soon as they see. They’ll kill him. His entire jersey is stained with pine tar now, and he’s alone on the mound, sweating, drawing each individual breath knowing that he’s going to die. Then Showalter climbs the top step of the dugout, and asks for time.

Chuck Knoblauch: It’s a two-hopper to the second baseman, and on contact he’s already starting to overthink the throw. He fields the ball cleanly, but when he tries to make the transfer his hand gets stuck in his mitt, and he can’t pull it out. The runner rounds the bases as Knoblauch watches, paralyzed by the jeers of the crowd.

Carlos Gomez: Just like a normal plate appearance, except that every ball the pitcher throws is coated in blood.

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Lesser-known Unwritten Rules of Baseball

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Brett Lawrie’s shenanigans, and the retaliatory shenanigans and pre-emptive shenanigans that naturally resulted from them, have forced a sleepy media to turn its attention to this nearly-forgotten aspect of America’s game. You’ve already read about take-out slides and stealing up K runs in the Nth inning, but here are some other behaviors that, while not technically against the rules, are generally frowned upon by those within the game.

 

Baserunners using the first baseman as a captive audience for performing impressions.

Crying out “Whoopsadaisie!” while sliding into a second baseman on the neighborhood play.

Attempting to convert the religion of opponents in the middle of the game.

Refusing to leave the batter’s box after a strikeout to end the inning, even after the teams have switched sides and another batter is ready to step in.

Taking off their batting gloves after a base hit and handing them to the first base umpire to deal with.

Baserunners stepping on the pitcher’s mound and drawing emojis on the dirt with their feet.

Catchers using small sample size when trying to distract and infuriate an opposing batter.

Failing to cover your mouth when you yawn.

Fielders tossing a ball into the stands, but intentionally throwing it to a bunch of drunk college bros instead of the child sitting next to them.

Pitchers asking the batter what type of pitch they’d like, and then after receiving a response, replying “Okay, we’ll see.”

Instead of using eye black, painting a realistic second set of eyes below your real eyes just to gross opponents out.

Propaganda Posters for the War Ahead

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